Friday, March 30, 2007
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Bad Puns
Are there are any bad puns? Likely. But I never mind them. And I never nevermind them. So here are some of my favorites:
An igloo is an icicle built for two.
Tequila is the gulp of Mexico.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
The archeologist's career was in ruins.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, UCLA.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
Mental floss will prevent truth decay as part of your moral hygiene.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
Bad customer service will take the wind out of your sales.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
We removed the insulating asbestos we could.
Atheism is none of the above.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Holy cow or divine bovine?
A backward poet writes inverse.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
An alarm clock is designed to scare the daylights into you.
A plea bargain is using a proposition to end a sentence with.
Alimony is the high cost of leaving.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A calendar's days are numbered.
If there is one thing you can count on, it's your fingers.
On the other hand, you have more fingers.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
Punch, hit, kick, gouge. Where I come from, those are fighting words.
The chicken that crossed the road was poultry on motion.
The chicken that only got half way there laid it on the line.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
One day the sultan paid a visit to his harem's tent and let out a terrified sheik.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
Do you remember the name of the famous hunchback? Does Quasimodo ring a bell?
Are there are any bad puns? Likely. But I never mind them. And I never nevermind them. So here are some of my favorites:
An igloo is an icicle built for two.
Tequila is the gulp of Mexico.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
The archeologist's career was in ruins.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, UCLA.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
Mental floss will prevent truth decay as part of your moral hygiene.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
Bad customer service will take the wind out of your sales.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
We removed the insulating asbestos we could.
Atheism is none of the above.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Holy cow or divine bovine?
A backward poet writes inverse.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
An alarm clock is designed to scare the daylights into you.
A plea bargain is using a proposition to end a sentence with.
Alimony is the high cost of leaving.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A calendar's days are numbered.
If there is one thing you can count on, it's your fingers.
On the other hand, you have more fingers.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
Punch, hit, kick, gouge. Where I come from, those are fighting words.
The chicken that crossed the road was poultry on motion.
The chicken that only got half way there laid it on the line.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
One day the sultan paid a visit to his harem's tent and let out a terrified sheik.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
Do you remember the name of the famous hunchback? Does Quasimodo ring a bell?
Sunday, March 25, 2007
"Saint Anthony of Padua's Sermon to the Fishes"
by Michael Nibley
When Anthony preaches
He goes to the beaches
Converting the fish, who can't make it to church.
They swarm up to listen
A-drip and a-glisten,
The trout and the minnow, the pike and the perch.
"Treat all as your brother;
Don't murder each other,
For all of God's creatures are children alike."
What a marvelous spirit!
The minnows all cheer it;
They whisper and glare at the murderous pike.
"The root of all evil,
Great tool of the devil,
Is love of possessions; you'd best do without."
What a marvelous spirit!
The pike love to hear it;
They cast a stern eye on the miserly trout.
"Work hard! Those who idle
Will bear harsh requital;
Who shirks at his labor gets left in the lurch."
What a marvelous spirit!
The trout just revere it;
They nudge one another and mutter, "Those perch!"
"Eschew fornications
And lawless relations,
For sex unrestrained leads to sorrow and tears."
What a mervelous spirit!
The perch love to hear it;
They glance at the minnows with snickers and sneers.
The saint ends his preaching;
The fish love such teaching!
They watch as his figure recedes from the shore.
Then greed, lust and slaughter
Resume in the water,
And all is exactly the same as before.
by Michael Nibley
When Anthony preaches
He goes to the beaches
Converting the fish, who can't make it to church.
They swarm up to listen
A-drip and a-glisten,
The trout and the minnow, the pike and the perch.
"Treat all as your brother;
Don't murder each other,
For all of God's creatures are children alike."
What a marvelous spirit!
The minnows all cheer it;
They whisper and glare at the murderous pike.
"The root of all evil,
Great tool of the devil,
Is love of possessions; you'd best do without."
What a marvelous spirit!
The pike love to hear it;
They cast a stern eye on the miserly trout.
"Work hard! Those who idle
Will bear harsh requital;
Who shirks at his labor gets left in the lurch."
What a marvelous spirit!
The trout just revere it;
They nudge one another and mutter, "Those perch!"
"Eschew fornications
And lawless relations,
For sex unrestrained leads to sorrow and tears."
What a mervelous spirit!
The perch love to hear it;
They glance at the minnows with snickers and sneers.
The saint ends his preaching;
The fish love such teaching!
They watch as his figure recedes from the shore.
Then greed, lust and slaughter
Resume in the water,
And all is exactly the same as before.
Friday, March 16, 2007
So it turns out that in Japan, roosters are always crowing "ko-ke-kok-ko-o".
Feel like talking turkey with a turkey in Turkey? Say "glu glu"!
And who could forget the gentle "croa croa" of the frogs in France.
Now, I've never heard a dog bark anything that sounds like "bow-wow". But thanks to this animal sound guide, you don't have to settle for the stale old otomotopia's you are used to.
Click here!
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Self-deprecation
In my seemingly futile attempt at self improvement, I've come to realize that I've got to stop putting my self down, even if I think it is under the guise of a good joke.
My old self used to write stuff like this:
Bullets for Breakfast
Sugar coated goodness
with a bitter aftertaste.
Big, heaping, self-depreciating
spoonfuls are shoveled down
to fill an empty soul.
An important part of
my unbalanced psyche,
these tasty jabs
give me the energy I need
to sludge through yet
another mediocre day.
Can I just say I am sick of being that guy? So the new goal is to find the fine line where I know I'm awesome but I don't always have to tell everybody about it. Wish me luck!
In my seemingly futile attempt at self improvement, I've come to realize that I've got to stop putting my self down, even if I think it is under the guise of a good joke.
My old self used to write stuff like this:
Bullets for Breakfast
Sugar coated goodness
with a bitter aftertaste.
Big, heaping, self-depreciating
spoonfuls are shoveled down
to fill an empty soul.
An important part of
my unbalanced psyche,
these tasty jabs
give me the energy I need
to sludge through yet
another mediocre day.
Can I just say I am sick of being that guy? So the new goal is to find the fine line where I know I'm awesome but I don't always have to tell everybody about it. Wish me luck!
Monday, March 12, 2007
Friday, March 09, 2007
This week has been rough. I had a tough dentist visit a few days ago, I've been struggling with a few other personal things I'm not going to bore you with, and then today happened. I finally heard back on that paper I had sent off for publication. Rejected. I wouldn't have minded if I was rejected a few months after it was submitted, but now it has been almost 15. That's way too long to wait for a 'no'. This was really bothering me earlier, but some friends made me feel better about me (thanks ya'll) so I'm thinking I'll make lemonade out of the situation. This is the perfect opportunity to polish up the paper and submit it locally.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Steel Horse Wind Rider
Most of ya'll know that me and pals such as Abe, Ryan, Taylor, Nate and Jeff used to host Big Shows for our friends where we would make short films, perform skits, stand up comedy or play some songs with the bands we were in. So to revisit some of those glory days, I thought I'd post some of our greatest "hits" on the YouTube. Enjoy!
Most of ya'll know that me and pals such as Abe, Ryan, Taylor, Nate and Jeff used to host Big Shows for our friends where we would make short films, perform skits, stand up comedy or play some songs with the bands we were in. So to revisit some of those glory days, I thought I'd post some of our greatest "hits" on the YouTube. Enjoy!
Monday, March 05, 2007
Mark's Detective Story
Some time ago, I typed up a noir detective story (you might call it a defective story after reading it) to work out a few jokes and puns I was working on or had stolen from other folks. I'm thinking about making it into a short film for youtube or something. Anyway, here is the latest revision. Sorry about the bad jokes. Let me know what you think.
Some time ago, I typed up a noir detective story (you might call it a defective story after reading it) to work out a few jokes and puns I was working on or had stolen from other folks. I'm thinking about making it into a short film for youtube or something. Anyway, here is the latest revision. Sorry about the bad jokes. Let me know what you think.
Sunday, March 04, 2007
What is the Randomizer?
Not unlike the matrix, it just endless flow of random data that spills out of my noggin. So let me turn on the spout for a minute to release the pressure...
Spuds wastebasket chocolate hangnail flyswatter Timothy bicycle fence signature push open waffle neck space-heater tripod margin uncle pointed glob stitches ornamental tweezers residue tomohawk furry cracked Alberta flat crease razor nano Endust rhapsody primary elvish syrup Manhattan tired weapon circular aphid frostbite wingman socks feelers orzo dodge bulbous solid aged mistle-toe.
That ought to do it.
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