So I sold my car. Not a big deal since I haven't really driven it in a year or so. But I'm really gonna miss that little bugger.

June is gonna be big. I'll be finishing part one of my novel, I'm finishing my first DVD, and I should have my web site back in action. Could be good.

Big Lies

The world is one of information and ideas. Information that would have made any person wealthy beyond their wildest dreams 200 years ago is now accessible at the touch of a button. And since the beginning of time, information both true and otherwise has gone in one ear and out the other. The gathering of info is fine. The problem is a lot of people don't go beyond the acquisition stage. It is important to develop a good 'baloney detector', as Phillip E. Johnson has rightly called it. Ask a lot of questions and hold fast to what is true.

To show what I mean, I'm sharing with you, gentle reader, a sampling of the Big Lies that I have heard over the years.

Big lie #1: “Scientists/Scholars/Historians agree…”
The truth: Baloney. Articles that claim this are just a sign of laziness by the author who doesn't want to present the complexities of what they are writing about. It was once said that archeology isn't a science, it is a vendetta. The other sciences are no better. Humans bring preconceptions into what ever they are thinking about. This will always taint research of any kind, be it biblical or biological.

Big lie #2: “Back in my day, kids had respect for their elders”.
The truth: Baloney. Cain listened to Adam just as much as the Bush twins listen to George W.

Big lie #3: “If I won the lottery/had a million dollars, it wouldn’t change me”.
The truth: Baloney. While I am tempted to take the cynical look at this, maybe I'll take the opposite view here. Quoting Willy Wonka:

Willy Wonka: But Charlie, don't forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he always wanted.
Charlie Bucket: What happened?
Willy Wonka: He lived happily ever after.

Whether you make yourself good or corrupt is up to you. I guess my point is that you will change. We all will.

Big lie #4: “Don’t worry about getting married, it’ll happen when you least expect it.”
The truth: Baloney. I have a goal to get be engaged this year. Whether it happens or not is a tricky thing as it involves the freedom of choice by others as well. But that's neither here nor there. The point is that I have been given this advice since I was 21. And there were numerous times when I wasn't expecting it. And here I am. Meh.

Big lie #5: “The check is in the mail”.
The truth: Baloney. This means that the check is in my wallet and I'll address the envelope once I am done watching What Not To Wearand I have a nap.

Big lie #6: “If I can’t beat that price, I’ll give it to you for free!”
The truth: Baloney. Every so often, a car dealership will come out with some ad campaign where they say they will give you the car for free if they can't beat a competitor’s price. Gee, I wonder which one they will go with? As Uncle Lefty is always saying, If you wish in one hand and spit in the other, which do you think will fill up first?

The Carved Heart

My arrow rests,
kindly joining odd hearts
needing standing ovations.
Notched lines often vanish,
engravings shrink away.
Maybe your kiss is missing
before angelic lovers live.

Happy Limerick Day

In honor of today being Limerick Day (in addition to it being the Laotian holiday of Rocket Day), I thought I'd celebrate it by posting someone else's work. And that is only because they put it better than I ever could.

There once was an old man of Esser,
Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser,
It at last grew so small
He knew nothing at all,
And now he's a college professor.
-Noam Kuzar

Incidentally, the above limerick is found here. So take a little time and try one of your own. Not as tough as you'd think.

They say that waking up is hard to do. Now I know, I know that it is true.

SO tired today. Which is frustrating, because there is so much going on. Geh. Look for actual updates on all my blogs this weekend. And congratulations to my sister Wendy on her unofficial engagement.

The Yellowcard Blues

Today I hate the band Yellowcard. Nothing against them personally, it is just that I work on a college campus and the band is performing in the courtyard adjacent to my building. They have been warming up all afternoon and I'm just a little sick of the noise.

The Art of Losing

As someone who has a bit of downtime on his home computer while waiting for the Internet to dial up, I have come to the conclusion that anyone can win at computer solitare. The trick is to lose. The following screen-grab shows that I have lost this game. I can't deal until I fill up the top rows, but I need to deal to have enough cards to fill up the top rows.

It was a loss, but at the same time it is a cold, calculating victory.



So if you have some time at work to kill, don't settle for winning. Try losing.

The Blog is Six

Huh. Six months of blogging and what do I have to show for it? Writers block and a lot of wasted space.

A Visionary problem.











See these? These used to be my glasses. But they wore out and I had to get some different ones. My new glasses are fine, but they don't feel like me. I wore the above frames for 6+ years. It is funny how something that is just plastic and some screws can take a life of its own.

Income Attacks!!

With this blog as my witness, I WILL get my stinkin' taxes done tonight.
And maybe I'll get enough back to take a certian someone out to do something special.

When Anthony Preaches

When Anthony preaches, he goes to the beaches
Converting all the fish who can’t make it to church.
They swarm up to listen, adrip and aglisten
The trout and the minnow, the pike and the perch.

“Treat all as your brother; don’t murder each other
For all of God’s creatures are children alike.”
What a marvelous spirit; the minnows all cheer it.
They whisper and glare at the murderous pike.

“The root of all evil, great tool of the devil
Is love of possessions-you’d best do without.”
What a marvelous spirit; the pike love to hear it
And cast a stern eye on the miserly trout.

“Work hard. Those who idle will bear harsh requital,
Who shirks all his labors gets left in the lurch.”
What a marvelous spirit; the trout just revere it,
They nudge one another and mutter “Those perch!”

“Eschew fornications and lawless relations
For sex unrestrained leads to sorrow and tears.”
What a marvelous spirit; the perch love to hear it.
They glance at the minnows with snickers and sneers.

The saint ends his preaching; the fish love such teaching.
They watch as his figure recedes from the shore.
Then greed, lust and slaughter resume in the water
And all is exactly the same as before.

-Michael Nibley

Melts in your @%&#*!!! mouth...

Ugh! It seems like todays Monday has extra Monday in it. It is like 25 pounds of Monday in a 10 pound Monday bag.

Who figured on Action Figures?

I was looking in the Toys R Us for a cool birthday gift for my niece. There, I noticed more than a few action figures of old Rock Stars. Ozzy Oxbourne, Metallica, Kiss, all of these masters of metal have received the plastic treatment. Meaning that there are action figures made of them. Clear? They even had Beatles figures.

But it got me thinking, why limit it to just the gods of rock or the Fab Four? Doesn't David "Diamond Dave" Lee Roth deserve his own figure? What little straight-edge kid wouldn't love a Moby figure to go kick the butt of an Eminem figure? Think of how much fun Loretta Lynn and Kenny Rogers could have in Barbie's Malibu Corvette? Doesn't Lucinda Williams and Beck need to hang out in the backyard? I definitely think this needs to be done. Imagine little Timmy Jacobsen climbing down stairs early Christmas morning and finding St. Nick had just left him west coast rap innovators Blackalicious in his stocking. Who wouldn't love that?

Maybe I just answered my own question.

Still, I think it would be cool to have someone come into my office and ask about the figures on my desk and I could say, "Oh, it's Tommy James and the Shondells". But maybe that's just me.

Animusic


Once in a while, ol' Sluggo (that's me, the six year old part of my personality) finds something so cool that captures my imagination so completely that I just get shut down and smile. And I say "Woah" a lot. Such was the case when I saw a clip of Animusic a break on PBS. It was a purely CG music video of a very funky multi-stringed instrument with built in robotic 'hands' so this machine could play itself. It is the most imaginative and likely cool thing I have seen this year. Check out this clip here.

Just so everybody knows, I'm not wearing any green today. It is my way of sticking it to the man. Soon as they have a national holiday for the fine folks of the fjords of Norway, then I'll party.

If I ever had a candy bar named after me, it would be this.

The Scented Candle

All right, kiddies. Its story time. Get cozy.

Once upon a time (back in January) I was hanging out in the folks house when my mother comes home with some scented candles that she'd picked up at the BBB.
So I made a mental note to myself to check into that, because I like scented candles. Turns out that they smell nice.

So a few days later, I walk into one of the rooms where everyone is hanging out and I see one of them on the table. White. Vanilla. In a small glass container. So I wade through the crowd to the table. And with everybody watching, I grab the candle and put it up to my nose to have a nice sniff.

Only it wasn't a candle. It was my sisters glass of milk. Which went up my nose and all down my shirt. With everybody watching. I laughed so hard I think I shot milk out of my nose. This worked out nicely, because I didn't want the milk there in the first place.


The moral of the story? Maybe it is "Look before you sniff". Or perhaps it is "Now is a good time to check for lactose intolerance". Mostly, I's say it is "Learn to laugh at yourself, or you might be missing the biggest joke around". So many of us think that we, ourselves, are hilarious. Why not enjoy it when you inadvertently prove everyone right?

The Quote List: Part One

I've had a request to post some of the more absurd, silly or downright outrageous quotes that I have collected over the years. Like this blog, I try to capture a balance of inspirational, amusing and randomness with these small snippets. Also note that many of the quotes here are from my friends and family. So if you happened to say something stupid or inspiring, maybe you might see it here.

...

Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they are going to catch you in next.
- F. P. Jones

Hey, the word 'fruit' on this box of Kellogg’s Froot Loops one too many 'O's in it.
-Mark Johnson (early 1989)

I have hundreds of iguanas.
-Holly Johnson (9/30/00)

Don't you think it would be cool to see some of your organs before you die.
-Aimee Ohlsen (8/29/00)

Television has brought murder back into the home, where it belongs.
-Alfred Hitchcock

There is nothing wrong with being a genius. Some of the world’s smartest people were geniuses.
-Loralee Jessen (11/8/05)

Are there two Elvises?
-Katie Johnson 8/3/94

Can skunks be de-stink-atized?
-Katie Johnson (8/11/99)

It would be hard to say which is the more miraculous, to make a stone to speak, or to make a philosopher stop speaking.
-Sozomen

I’m excited about my public spleaking class.
-Katie Johnson (2001)

No little girl can be happy unless she has faith in her daddy.
–Marge Simpson

Every man is a moon and each has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.
–Samuel Clemens

When it is dark enough, you can see the stars.
–Charles A. Beard

Man must understand his universe in order to understand his destiny…Who knows what mysteries will be solved in our lifetime, and what new riddles will become the challenge of future generations?
-Neil A. Armstrong

To go places and to do things that never have been done before, - that’s what living is all about.
–Michael Collins

Don’t get stuck in the stagnant swamp of self-pity.
–Neal A. Maxwell

Happiness is not getting something, rather happiness is being something.
–Marvin J. Asthon

Christmas: It's kind of like a holiday.
-Mark Johnson (12/25/99)

The Curse of the Sudoku

Back in the days when I was cynical Mark, my main philosophy was that "Life is merely the exchange of one bad habit for another". I'm not as inclined to believe it lately, but a new addiction has surfaced. Late last year, I stumbled across Japanese Sudoku number puzzles. And I'm hooked. The object is to place the numbers 1 through 9 in each row, horizontally and vertically as well as in each box. Each row or box may only have one of the same number. I usually get my fix from here.