Bad Puns

Are there are any bad puns? Likely. But I never mind them. And I never nevermind them. So here are some of my favorites:


An igloo is an icicle built for two.

Tequila is the gulp of Mexico.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

The archeologist's career was in ruins.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, UCLA.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

Mental floss will prevent truth decay as part of your moral hygiene.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

Bad customer service will take the wind out of your sales.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

We removed the insulating asbestos we could.

Atheism is none of the above.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

Holy cow or divine bovine?

A backward poet writes inverse.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

An alarm clock is designed to scare the daylights into you.

A plea bargain is using a proposition to end a sentence with.

Alimony is the high cost of leaving.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

If there is one thing you can count on, it's your fingers.

On the other hand, you have more fingers.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

Punch, hit, kick, gouge. Where I come from, those are fighting words.

The chicken that crossed the road was poultry on motion.

The chicken that only got half way there laid it on the line.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

One day the sultan paid a visit to his harem's tent and let out a terrified sheik.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

Do you remember the name of the famous hunchback? Does Quasimodo ring a bell?

This week has been rough. I had a tough dentist visit a few days ago, I've been struggling with a few other personal things I'm not going to bore you with, and then today happened. I finally heard back on that paper I had sent off for publication. Rejected. I wouldn't have minded if I was rejected a few months after it was submitted, but now it has been almost 15. That's way too long to wait for a 'no'. This was really bothering me earlier, but some friends made me feel better about me (thanks ya'll) so I'm thinking I'll make lemonade out of the situation. This is the perfect opportunity to polish up the paper and submit it locally.

Mark's Detective Story

Some time ago, I typed up a noir detective story (you might call it a defective story after reading it) to work out a few jokes and puns I was working on or had stolen from other folks. I'm thinking about making it into a short film for youtube or something. Anyway, here is the latest revision. Sorry about the bad jokes. Let me know what you think.

NaNoWriMo

Well, this month is National Writing Month. It seems like the perfect time for me to buckle down and finish that first draft of my stinkin' novel. The only problem is that one of the projects I was working on just was rejected by a publisher. Sure, I've gotten plenty of these, but it has really deflated me. I'll get my wind back shortly, I expect and I'll hopefully be pounding the keyboard soon.

Anyway, for more more information on NaNoMriMo, Click here

Dear Prudence,

Good morning, good morning! Good day sunshine, here comes the sun and I feel fine. I am the walrus and this is my pet Rocky raccoon. I was back in the USSR, about the time of revolution #9, where this boy spent many a hard day’s night on a yellow submarine, under Sgt. Pepper, until I got my ticket to ride.

There is a place where I live near Abbey Road and Penny Lane (the one after 909), where I’m a paperback writer for mean old Mr. Mustard. It sounds like junk but it is a beginning. I was in my octopus’s garden fixing a hole with Maxwell’s silver hammer, because I’m a day tripper, and if I fell, I’m down.

The night before yesterday was my birthday, and lovely Rita, she came in through the bathroom window but I saw her standing there. Ain’t she sweet, and I love her. We can have a taste of honey savoy truffle wild honey pie when I’m sixty-four, and I’m happy just to dance with you to rock and roll music, and I’d dig a pony; but on this birthday, money, that’s what I want. You never give me your money, so I can’t buy me love. Instead, dizzy miss Lizzie gives me a matchbox. Inside was an old brown shoe with a rubber soul. “For you blue from me to you, come and get it”, she said. I said, “Thank you girl. I thought it was for no one”. Oh darling, you can’t do that so honey don’t. I don’t want to spoil the party but hello goodbye. She said, “I want you, I need you”, and other words of love. “Love love me do and please please me”, she said. She said, “We can work it out so slow down what you are doing. Don’t pass me by”. But I should have known better. She said, “Hey Bulldog, you’re gonna lose that girl. She loves you. It would help if you would hold me tight. You really got a hold on me. I’ll get you got to get you into my life”. It’s only love and I guess I’m a loser. Girl, you know my name, look up the number. When I call your name, you’ve got to hide your love away. I’ll get by within you without you. If I needed someone to step inside love, you know what to do.

I’ll follow the sun, because I am the sun king. All I’ve got to do is drive my car down the long and winding road to Kansas City where a blackbird took me to a lady Madonna concert. It was her magical mystery tour with the Bad Boys, being for the benefit of Mr. Kite. That was nowhere, man! After I gave Eleanor Rigby all my loving, so roll over Beethoven! Boys, she’s a woman with a devil in her. I’ve got a feeling the two of us will find real love.

I think I will have to walk through the strawberry fields forever in the rain when…wait, I’ve just seen a face. It is the fool on the hill in the middle of the Norwegian wood. “Hey Jude, do you want to know a secret?” I said, “Oh, baby it’s you. Hello little girl. Think for yourself, Michelle. You like me too much. Too bad I don’t love you too”. She said, “I want to tell you Ob-la-di Ob-la-da is the word, yes it is! Tell me what you see”. “I’m looking through you”, I said. “You won’t see me because baby’s in black. Ask me why”. “Tell me why!” I demanded. No reply. I said, “Don’t bother me little child, I was getting better ‘till there was you”. That was something, the things we said today. It seems like everybody’s trying to be my baby, especially Her Majesty.

I’m so tired. I’ll get you a teddy boy. Soon I’m only sleeping golden slumbers like dreamers do. Goodnight! I dreamt what goes on in a glass onion. We played games and the last of the piggies would cry baby cry.

Now I want to get back, but I’ve come too far across the universe for that. I’ve looked here, there and everywhere for Lucy in the sky with diamonds, but she’s leaving home. I’ll cry instead, while my guitar gently weeps. It won’t be long, with a little help from my friends.

So, if you see that blackbird for not a second time, let it be free as a bird. Pay the taxman and carry that weight. When a day in the life of every little thing seems helter-skelter, don’t twist and shout or run for your life; remember all things must pass, that they will come together in the end in spite of all the danger, so bear the chains of misery. In my life, happiness is a warm gun. All you need is love. Baby, you’re a rich man and your bird can sing. Julia, I wanna hold your hand because I want to be your man. I’ll be back so don’t let me down.

P.S., I love you.

This is a greatly expanded version that I put together based on a concept by Whimsical Will.