Bad Puns

Are there are any bad puns? Likely. But I never mind them. And I never nevermind them. So here are some of my favorites:


An igloo is an icicle built for two.

Tequila is the gulp of Mexico.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

The archeologist's career was in ruins.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, UCLA.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

Mental floss will prevent truth decay as part of your moral hygiene.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

Bad customer service will take the wind out of your sales.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

We removed the insulating asbestos we could.

Atheism is none of the above.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

Holy cow or divine bovine?

A backward poet writes inverse.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

An alarm clock is designed to scare the daylights into you.

A plea bargain is using a proposition to end a sentence with.

Alimony is the high cost of leaving.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

If there is one thing you can count on, it's your fingers.

On the other hand, you have more fingers.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

Punch, hit, kick, gouge. Where I come from, those are fighting words.

The chicken that crossed the road was poultry on motion.

The chicken that only got half way there laid it on the line.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

One day the sultan paid a visit to his harem's tent and let out a terrified sheik.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

Do you remember the name of the famous hunchback? Does Quasimodo ring a bell?