I'm not Catholic, but I'm loaded with vices all the same. Just like every other human.

So, after good ol' fat Tuesday, I'm giving up some things for the next 40 days. I'll be giving (or at least trying) to give up some of my bitterness and anger. Not that there is a lot, but I've had some things that have been eating at me lately. It is time to let them go. I am tired of letting any anger I feel get in the way of what I want to get done. Besides, I am starting to wonder if I have been isolating any one who needs my help of friendship. So long Captain Me-Planet! Hello Mr. somebody who isn't a total bozo.

Great Moments in TV's Family Guy

"Da Boom"
Original Air Date: 12/26/99
The episode ends with Victoria Principal telling Patrick Duffy that she just had a dream in which she saw a crazy episode of Family Guy.

2/01
This idiotic, puerile show is cancelled.

Present
Whining fans, who wouldn't know a joke if it bit them in the hinder (how would they recognize it, since the show doesn't provide any), create such a stink Fox and Cartoon Network brought it back.

The problem with this show (as well as most TV nowadays) is that the audience just settles for less. So they get it. In the case of the Family Guy, all you get is re-tooled jokes from The Simpsons, some shock-value jokes and random references to things many of the TV shows the thirty-somethings grew up with. The problem with this is (and I paraphrase Scott Renshaw) that these are references. The only laughs seem to come from association to other, more interesting things - and references are no substitute for wit.

Everything I've Got In My Pocket

Ah, the foibles of the human condition. We get 75 or so years on this planet to prepare for the next million+, and what do we usually spend most of our time doing? Trying not to look like some doufus. I'm not even sure how to spell doufus. It really makes me wonder if we spent more time thinking about how to bless the lives of others than worry about ourselves. Occasionally I remember how to do this. But most of the time, well you get it. Two examples:

1. I went out to pick up some binders and other things I needed. Store number one didn't have everything I needed, so I picked up what they had. And a candy bar. All the stuff goes in the car, the candy in my coat pocket. I'm half way through store two's check out when I realize I am carrying a candy bar in my pocket that I don't have a receipt for. So now I am doing all but actually shoplifting, trying not to look suspicious. All the stress without actually committing the crime.

2. I don't know how many hours I have thought about riding the light rail and never having to show my pass. For some reason, they haven't checked. Why? Who cares. Maybe next week, I'll strike up a conversation with somebody instead of just staring off into space. A lot of good that does. I'm gonna have a tough time brightening the lives of those around me if I keep it all to myself.

I am a Loud Speaker!


Well, I've finally done it. After years of being left behind, I thought I'd finally earn all those merit badges that I didn't get when I was an Eagle Scout. So this month, It was Public Speaking. Now, as a 'grown-up' with a big mouth, this was an easy one. Next month, maybe Sailing.

Happy Valentine's Day, kids.

Cow Tools

Back in the 80's, cartoonist Gary Larson penned one of his Far Side comics that promptly put the nation into hysterics. Not that it was hilarious. Because it wasn't. The cartoon, titled "Cow Tools" depicted a bovine overlooking his handiwork at some primitive tools. The problem was the tools didn't really look like tools, and the reader was left in the position that if the purpose of the tools weren't understood, the comics meaning would be lost to the reader. And the reader naturally didn't have a chance.

Forward to 2005. Last December, a Sunday version of the comic BC came out and suddenly it is Cow Tools all over again. Well, except that nobody cares about BC, while the Far Side was about the funniest strip anywhere.

The problem? I live in a paradigm where things need to make sense. If something isn't making sense, I need to stew on it until it does.

So, if anyone could explain this monstrosity, I'd appreciate it.

I've been wrongfully accused!

To jump on the Hollywood cash-cow (or as McDonald’s calls it “Celebrating”), I thought I’d come up with a quick quiz. So...in celebration of the new Harrison Ford vehicle (no pun intended) Firewall, try to figure out which line of dialogue goes with which classic Harrison Ford movie. Remember, it works best if yelled in a gruff mumble.

1. I didn’t kill my wife!
2. Get off of my plane!
3. I'm sorry, Mr. President, I don't dance.
4. Get off of my submarine, comrade!
5. I didn’t kill my wife, yet.
6. I'm crazy about it. They call me Bojangles at the office.
7. Besides, you know what a careful guy I am.
8. Get off of my star ship.

Good Luck!

Mondays just blow chunks sometimes.

Anyway, I've been thinking about my February resolutions, and I have decided to keep them to a mimimum. That way, I can feel like I am getting more accomplished. So...

1. Be in bed by midnight. It's tough to get any sleep if I am up till 3 AM working on some dumb project. It's a start.

2. Don't sweat it that Valentine's Day is fast approaching and I have rather little going on in that dept. Society can just go and sit on it.

3. Have some kind of date by the end of the month. As unenthused as I am about dating, I at least ought to start putting a little effort into it.

That's it. I've got lots of other activities happening, but you don't need to hear about thems quite yet.

A Singularity Problem

The trouble with being a new thirtysomething single guy is that the media now confuses my in ways that I didn’t anticipate. I was watching some other sitcom the other night and was dumbfounded beyond belief. Halfway through the episode, I thought “Wow, the teenage daughter is really hot. But then, so is the mom”. Then the center of my rational universe didn’t hold anymore and I had to lie down for a while.

Well, I'm proud to announce the farewell album of 4Ever. As a member of a hot boy-band, I've toured all over Box Elder county and been invited to TONS of ice cream socials by TONS of girls. But since the 5 of us are in our seventh years of our two year degrees at UVSC, we are retiring and turning the lady-wooing to other hotties. So, with out further adeiu, here are the tracks of our final album, 4Ever At the Pulpit.

1. Leaving Jericho
2. (Those were) The Best Two Years
3. Thomas of Aramathia
4. Shirk Along
5. PG is OK with me
6. The Mantle of McConkie
7. The Ox in the Mire and the Silver Spoon
8. You Say You Want to Be Alone But Not With Me
9. I’m a BYU Football Fan, Not a Player
10. Idaho Mormons
11. People Ate Meat in the Bible
12. It Ain’t Bountiful (Without You)
13. Say No to NCMO
14. The Books of the Pearl of Great Price Song
15. Apostolic Haircut
16. 1st Kings of Love; 2nd Chronicles of Heartache
17. For The Strength of You
18. Praise to the Manual
19. To Manti and Back (Temple Spires in your Eyes)
20. I’d Rather be in Love Than With You
21. *CD Bonus Track* Keeping Love At Arms Length (Kickin the Freak Outta da Multi-Stake Dance Remix)



Note that track 16 is great to dance to. Enjoy!

A Glimpse from the archives

Just a pic of me from 13 years ago.
Man, what happened?!

Rock Swings!

Fellow Gen-X’ers, I have seen the future. I was driving with a few folks I work with to a company party, and we were rocking out. Both the folks I was driving with were in their mid-fifties and had been raised on what we would call Oldies. Those cool classic songs of the 50’s and 60’s. So we were listening to these Oldies, yet they weren’t the original oldies, they were re-makes by the original artists. I guess it was cheaper to drag the Tokens and Freddie “Boom Boom” Cannon into the studio than to clear the rights to the original songs. As we were driving, they commented how much they were enjoying the re-makes. These new versions were a bit lighter than they used to be. Some of them even had a new bit of orchestration. There was a kind of nice, ‘schmaltzy’ feeling about them. That’s when it all came together for me. These nice folks I was driving with had entered into a new era of entertainment, that of the watered down music. This is no doubt the same phase that their parents entered into a generation ago with the Lawrence Welk television program. It is the same phenomenon.

So here is the future, in another 30 years as us Gen-X’ers are entering our 60’s and 70’s, we will be able turn on Carson Daily on the telly and his band of swinging crooners will entertain us with softer, kinder, gentler songs by the White Stripes, Greenday, Snoop Dog, and maybe some Nirvana. The sky is the limit.

If you want a glimpse into the future, check out either Pat Boone’s album In A Metal Mood and especially Paul Anka’s Rock Swing album. Both are great, with covers of alternative and metal classics done in a softer ‘easy to swallow’ style. Enjoy the future. I can’t wait to hear it.


Since the topic of musical covers has come up, I’ll remind myself here to devote a future blog to it.

Hey, just for kicks, I thought I'd start selling t-shirts and stuff online. Introducing BadlyDrawn Design. I've got some cool stuff up and hope to have more there soon. So buy a shirt and help put me through college.

An excerpt from Douglas Adams' The Meaning of Lif

HAMBLEDON (n.)

The sound of a single-engine aircraft flying by, heard whilst lying in a summer field in England, which somehow concentrates the silence and sense of space and timelessness and leaves one with a profound feeling of something or other.

The Penultimate Action Hero

A few years ago, I played the role of the Action Hero. I was coming out of the local Wal-mart (this was before the boycott) when the glint of shining metal caught my eye. I glanced over and noticed an errant shopping cart slowly rolling down the parking lot. Some hundred yards down the lot was a crowded Zuka Juice with a shiny BMW 335i or some type of fancy automobile parked in front. It appeared the cart had picked up momentum and had drawn a bead on its target. I pulled out my keys and ran to my 1992 Daihatsu Charade, parked just a few yards away. I jumped in the drivers-side window, feet first (I had been practicing for a stunt for the upcoming Big Show – more on that later!) and tore out of the parking spot with a squeal of very small tires. I whipped around a small group of cars in the lot and found some open space. It was just a few seconds before I was along side the cart. I grabbed it from the open window and held it as I steered it out of the way. A hard left ensured that the cart (and the equally-sized Daihatsu) didn’t end up plastered on the back of some German sedan. The cart traveled the last 20 or so yards and hit a curb and flipped over. At the impact, the roar of laughter and applause burst from the crowd at Zuka Juice. I did a victory lap and I was on my way home.

There is just something about heroes on TV and in the movies that makes us (I refer to guys here) want to emulate them. And sometimes, often in very small ways, we get to. It is funny how just a bit of play-time gets one through a month or two of 9-5 work and school with a smile on one’s face.

The Essentials of 2005

For some reason, it seems like a good idea to let ya have a sneak peak into what I have been listening to this year. My musical tastes center on some alternative, rockabilly, children/comedy or anything that is just annoying to those who enjoy most pop-alternative stuff or whatever garbage they are playing on the radio. So I enjoy clever or annoying remixes and covers of songs that are popular with the kids. Turn a song on it's head and I'll likely love it. Anyhoo, here is the list of what I have been listening to for most of 2005 and into 2006. So here's the Top 25 in practically no particular order. And you could download some of them on your own.

1. Boulevard of Broken Songs - Party Ben
This song is what we in the biz call a mash-up. A (hopefully) skilled dj will edit a few songs together into one killer remix. With this song, imagine that one song is a deck of cards. The brilliant dj Party Ben took 20 cards from Greenday's Boulevard of Broken Dreams, 16 cards from Oasis's Wonderwall, 10 cards from Travis's Writing to Reach You and another 6 from Aerosmith's Dream On and shuffled them seamlessly.

2. All the Way to Reno - REM
Ah, Reno. This song is my happy affirmation song, kind of what Smashmouth's All-Star was before radio and the movies played it to death.

3. Mad World (SNES version) - cover by some guy named Gxp
For a while I had Gary Jules' cover of Mad World (originaly by Tears for Fears) on my top 25 list, until I found this version. I stumbled across a site that was hosting covers of rock songs that had been made with a program for the SuperNintendo. So here this is. Don't ask.

4. A Higher Place - Tom Petty
Tom Petty is always in the musical hopper, and this tasty nugget from his "Wildflower" album makes me pull out the dreaded air-guitar everytime.

5. Cheer Down - Traveling Wilburys
An unreleased Wilbury's song from a Czech bootleg.

6. Burro - Beck
The best part of this song? It is an alternate version of Beck's song Jackass, only it is done in a mariache style. And in Spanish. How cool is that?

7. Welcome to the Jungle - Big Daddy
Big Daddy claimed to have been captured on a USO tour in Laos in 1959. When they got back, all the music they knew how to play was in the classic style of the 1950's. So naturally, when they covered Guns N' Roses' Welcome to the Jungle, it came out with the style and instrumentation of the Tokens' The Lion Sleeps Tonight. Wimoweh.

8. Original Sin - INXS
Dream on, white boy!

9. Calling All Girls - Queen
Freddy Mercury delivers some great vocals on this song from their "Hot Space" album.

10. Hit That - The Offspring
Not much to say here, but I like the crunch of the guitar in this song. I think these 'pseudo hard rockers' do pretty well.

11. The Superman Song - Slugworks
Ok, this is one that I made myself. While I made the mistake of listening to commercial radio, I noticed one day that there about a billion songs on the radio about that supernatural being that we can call upon for help in dire straits. I refer, of course, to Superman. So, I dug around in the archives, bought a bunch of tunes off of itunes and made a song from parts of 30 different songs. It sounds like a mess, but it turned out to be pretty cool.

12. If You Wanna Be Happy For The Rest Of Your Life - Jimmy Soul
You have got to love the audacity of this song. "Get an ugly woman to marry you". Wow!

13. Tears of a Clown - Smokey Robinson
What can I say except this reminds me of an old girlfriend.

14. Lisa's Wedding - Alf Clausen and Danny Elfman
A beautiful baroque arrangement. If you know what this song is, then no more commentary is needed.

15. Everything I've Got in My Pocket - Minnie Driver
I saw Minnie perform this song on Letterman and it blew my socks off. She is one pretty lady.

16. Love is All Around - The Troggs
A psychadellic love song from the 60's.

17. Be Near Me - ABC
It's funny. This is one of my favorite songs, but the song Smokey Sings by the same band is on my all-time hate list. How does that work? And somehow, this song reminds me of Close Encounters.

18. Try Not To Breathe - REM
While trying to document life's rich pageant, I reveal that I am up for new adventures in hi-fi. At least until I run out of time; when, according to the fables of the reconstruction, a great reckoning occurs when that green monster murmurs from around the sun. But that's beside the point. I like the stoicism in this song. And it is in my vocal range.

19. Theme from the Rockford Files - Mike Post
A great TV theme song from the 70's without any of that pesky disco. The harmonica work on this one is amazing.

20. (Beware of) The Blob - The 5 Blobs (including Burt Bacharach)
This classic from the late 50's is my favorite movie theme. It has everything in there from the late 50's that made rock cool, from the stuttering saxaphone to the 'finger-popping' made famous in the Lollipop song.

21. Mah Na Mah Na - Piero Umiliani
You all know the famous cover. This is the 1969 Swedish original that started it all. This version has a touch of Lounge that isn't picked up in the Muppet version.

22. Europa and Io - Finngerhutt
This spacey (not Kevin Spacey) trance/instrumental was written and performed by my good pal Justin McBride. This is also a great song to slow-dance with the ladies to. I kindsa likes it.

23. The Black Hole - John Barry
A great fully-orchestrated movie theme that is also just unsettling.

24. Binary Sunset - The Evil Genius Orchestra
This stirring theme from Star Wars is given a Lounge flavor. So soothing.

25. From the Earth to the Moon - Michael Kamen
Some years ago, Tom Hanks put together a mini-series about the Apollo space program. The theme song treats the listener with the triumph and grandeur of a flight through the reaches of space.

Bad Pun of the Post:

A friend of mine asked me if I knew the name of that famous Hunchback. I responded, "Does Quasimodo ring a bell?"

An Epistle to the Nerds of the World

Well, after a weekend of playing land-battle games with family, I have come to an almost shocking conclusion. The nerds and geeks I grew up with and sincerely cherish with all of my heart are ignored and under-appreciated by the geeks and nerds of tomorrow. Be mindful, young nerds. Your very existence is made possible by your nerd-predessors. You stand on their very shoulders. You would not be able to wear your Anakin Skywalker t-shirts were it not for those who treasured their Luke Skywalker t-shirts of 20 years ago. Those of you who thrill to Gandalf the Grey on the extended DVDs can only do so because some geeks before you read and re-read The Hobbit even before it was a radio-drama or an animated cartoon. And where would you young nerds be without the invaluable resources of Star Trek fan pages complete with blue-prints and custom-built models of even the most obsucre Romulan shuttle craft. Countless nerds before you have blazed that path so you might benefit.

So young nerds and fellow geeks; your future is bright and your paths are golden. Memorize plenty of dialogue from Napoleon Dynamite and Homestar Runner. Play your WarCraft in your parents basement while eating your Cheetos. Cherish or criticize the Star Wars prequels as you choose. Only take a moment to remember those who lived for marathon showings of Star Trek:TNG; those who could sing every song from Monty Python's Holy Grail, or those who can quote every "Take off, you hoser!" from Strange Brew. Yes, your future is bright. So as you travel along the pathway of geekdom, reading your Harry Potter and listening to mp3's of Ralph Wiggam quotes, be sure to thank those who listened to Dr. Demento on the radio and played D&D while drinking all that Dr. Pepper. You would have likely ended up as some Goth dude if not for those early nerd pioneers.

Quiz Answers:












Rain Berry Gatorade
Icy Surge Speed Stick
Fresh Rush Speed Stick
Riptide Rush Gatorade
Magno Electrico Gatorade
Clean Blast Speed Stick
Cool Fusion Speed Stick
Cool Blue Gatorade
Fierce Melon Gatorade
Aqua Sport Speed Stick
Glacier Freeze Gatorade
Ocean Surf Speed Stick

Well, sports-fans, it's a new year and time for resolutions. But I want to do things a little different this year. At risk of sounding trite, and since one needn't merely need a box on the calender to have an excuse to improve your life, I'm going to add a monthly resolution each month in addition to the few yearly ones in this post.
So, this year I want to:

1. Pray for one person every night. This is an import one for me, because I pray almost all the time, but they don't have the purpose I would like them to have.

2. I've gotten a little chunky this last year, so I want to drop about 20 or so pounds.

3. Don't spend more than 1/2 an hour surfing the net. Things don't change enough to check more than that.

4. Get a bunch of school done. Again.

5. Get published. I have an article out for consideration now. I am going to try to get a back up submitted as well.

6. I'm also starting a novel. Maybe a rough draft or two this year.

7. I want to be in bed by Midnight. Staying up until 3 or so never does me any good. Geh.

8. Start dating again. How are I supposed to have kids unless I can get married? And how can I get married unless I get a date?

9. Get my old web sites back on the Web. The kids miss 'em.

BAD POETRY, Pt. 5


The Pansy

I gave a girl a pansy,
I told the flowers about her.
All around her, roses grow wild,
fragrant petals at her feet.
Standing in her oyster shell,
she yawns and stretches
with the passing sun.
And yet still,
with the thought of pansies,
she’ll smile and think of me.


If a person wanted to test bicycles, would that make them a Pedallurgist, a Cycle-analyst, or merely a Spokesman?

Next week: You say you want a resolution? We all want to change the world.